Ahem

Refractory Period

That is all.

Potty Training Stress Disorder

I've cleaned up more bodily secretions from the carpet today than I've ever cleaned in all my daughter's diapered days.

I'm stuck in a state of vague astonishment at the fact that I'm a parent and I'm potty-training my child!

Indelibly etched in my mind is the image of my daughter standing bent over, legs astraddle and curiously watching the stream of her urine splash soggily on the already saturated carpet.

Or her standing on her booster seat at dinner peeing on her feet while looking dismayed.

I guess I'll be scrubbing the carpets once a week now.

Tomorrow will be better. I hope.

I Thought You Were Cool Canada

So the spineless, mouthbreathing, knuckle dragging Canadian Prime Minister is bending to America's pressure over digital copyright law despite the obvious will of the Canadian people:

http://www.boingboing.net/2010/05/05/canadian-prime-minis-2.html

It really makes one wonder what concessions are really being made here. Is the Canadian government trading the citizen's freedom for nothing? Surely a socialist democracy wouldn't just concede to the multi-national entertainment cartels without some sort of greater return for the people. *smirk* Just kidding.

National Healthcare, Fiction

Scenario:

The pharmaceutical companies will lobby to have questionably tested vaccinations made mandatory for fun and profit (like AIDS vaccines for monogamous spouses or a vaccine for a real epidemic like pig flu.) If you don't get the vaccination you lose your insurance and end up paying a large yearly fine to the government. In the case of a real epidemic your National ID might flag you for immediate arrest should an officer perform a Terry stop on your person.

When people start getting sick and dying from the vaccine or their children come out mutated (how is thalidomide babby born?) insurance companies will raise their rates to compensate while simultaneously lobbying the government for a tax payer funded bailout.

Some senators and maybe even the president will put on his or her upside down smile face and root out some schmuck to take the heat. None of the true servants of evil posing as "government employees" will go to jail.

The pharmaceutical company will lie until the bitter end about the efficacy of their "vanity vaccinations" (Ala' Big Tobacco.) After the company goes bankrupt the same evil people who were responsible will start another pharmaceutical company. The company will purchase commercial time during the Super Bowl to inform the public that: "Your child's safety is our number one priority. We're working hard on vaccines to make sure they live a long healthy life."

Cut! Aaaannd Post!

National ID, Healthcare

According to this article Sen. Charles Schumer (D-New York) and Sen. Lindsay Graham (R-South Carolina) are attempting to resurrect the national ID scheme.

http://www.wired.com/threatlevel/2010/03/two-id-cards/

My guess is that they'll tie the ID to the new Health Care bill. No ID you don't get insurance. No insurance? That's a big fat fine citizen.

We'll see.

What? What?

What the hell is wrong with the Republican party?

What the hell is wrong with Republican voters?

Look people, you want the strongest, smartest and best politicians leading you. That's what makes a nation strong. Why are you still messing around with inferior candidates who can't even tie their shoes?

Give us moderate conservative statesmen/women who at least can keep their corruption discreet. Give us people who can avoid sounding like the crazy drunk floozy at the corner of the bar. Give us people who can at least do something good for the American people in spite of the terrible corruption in the federal government.

And for God's sake drop the Abortion rhetoric. For good or evil the supreme court has ruled on it and it's settled.

Family Moments

Somewhere in the house I hear a cat winding up for the puke of a lifetime.

I frantically scamper over children's toys and try to avoid the nasty sharp edges laid along in my path like caltrops in the jungle. I focus in on the source of the low, slow, drumming sucking sound and triangulate to my objective by zig-zagging like a man and a dog looking for avalanche victims. Finally I find the furball and desperately carry him to the linoleum in the kitchen praying he doesn't puke all over me.

The violent convulsions work their way up to gacking ejection.

My daughter yells "TA-DAAAA, CAT PUKE!"

I am ready with the sanitizer and paper towels. I congratulate myself over another carpet stain mitigation as I wipe up the cooling pile. My daughter gleefully cheers me on: "Cat Puke, Cat Puke!"

So be it.

I'm Gonna Get...

Erected!

A man can dream I suppose.

I have decided to try writing a story. I don't say "book" because that implies it's being written for others. Plus everyone's writing a book. A book's so 20th century even FOX wouldn't take it.

Maybe I'll try selling it to my Uncle in Kindle format for reading in the bathroom when the latest copy of People magazine gets all crinkly and wrinkled.

The story I'm writing is simple, visceral and pre-digested. It has been told billions of times. It condenses evil into a conspiratorial plot-line that will make paranoids gasp in vindication when their delusions are reinforced by the written word.

My story has a nice happy ending. It's like the prostate massage at a seedy rubdown joint in a third-trimester recessional abortion of a strip mall; no obligations, cash up front and service in the rear. Mind you don't blow out your tires on the broken glass in the parking lot. Have a nice day.

All I gotta do is keep up with my one page-a-day goal. By the end of the year I should have enough to call it quits.

Egads

My daughter made me some imaginary tea with her tea set. As she handed me a cup I began to imagine lining up little tea cup vodka shots after my daughter went to bed.

Man. What a week.